THE MODERN CAR
| The old man was parked by the roadside He wore a very dark frown. The hood of his car had been opened It was plain that he'd broken down. I stopped to offer assistance But he waved my assistance away. "An ordinary man can't cope!" He growled. "I've called up the N.R.M.A." I could see that his years were many As I studied his wrinkled face. And then he began his lecture How this 'new world' was such a disgrace. "I fixed trucks and tractors and 'combines' All the years that I lived on the farm. And none of 'em gave me a headache And none of 'em done me no harm." "But modern machinery is stupid 'Cause it's full of this technical rot. Every damn thing has computer chips I tell you, the world's gone to pot!" "I have no love for the modern car They're sissy and too damn neat. With their padded dash and steering wheels And a squishy material seat." "They're equiped with so many gizmos You could live in the thing with your spouse. The damn thing no longer resembles a car Why, it's more like a plush mobile house." "With electric heaters, and electric fans And some have 'conditioners' instead. And defrosters, and blinkers, and radios Why, it makes me scratch my head." "They've got seat belts that tie you to your tomb Should you veer of the ashphalt track. And air bags that smack you in the face To make sure your neck don't crack." "And some drive around with their mobile phones And it seems so stupid to me That instead of watching the road ahead Why, some even have T.V." "And the gears have gone 'automatic' To allay the 'petrol heads' fears That while doing his juvenile 'wheelies' There's no chance of clunking the gears." "I remember the old 'clash' gearbox And how it provided some smiles. If a driver perchance got his 'revs' wrong Why, the clash would echo for miles." "There's computer chips in the gearbox And under the hood as well. And the cars are tuned by computers They've become a 'computer chip' hell." "Now you almost need a genius If your car begins to expire. I remember the days when we fixed 'em With a curse and some fencing wire." "Driving has lost all its magic For the old days I heartily yearn When we stuck our arm out the window To show our intention to turn." "You don't need to wind down the windows There's 'electrics' to do the job. Modern men must be weaklings Or else they're a lazy mob." "The brakes of today are too deadly They make for a dangerous ride. If you tramp on the things too heavy The car behind ends up inside." "We had 'cable brakes' in the old days And though you may call 'em a flop. 'Tailgaters' would seldom 'rear end' us 'Cause it took us a mile to stop." "And the days when we needed cooling Why, we solved this problem with ease. We'd wind out a section of windscreen And be wrapped in a freshening breeze." "And we didn't need heaters to warm us Or 'conditioners' or any such rot. We selected the right female company And the inside would stay blazing hot." K.D. Abbott © 2007 |
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