A Collection of Scattered Poems

A Word on Spelling


A Word On Spelling
A WORD ON SPELLING


This poem's penned in humour
I don't mean to start a row
So if you take your 'Spelling' seriously
Please stop reading now

It's alway's been a puzzle
And I think that it's a shame
That all English speaking people
Don't spell their words the same

Grammar can confuse me
Such as words like 'lie' and 'lay'
But the difference must be simple
So I'll work it out one day

I think I'm slowly gaining
For common sense will beg
I 'lay' a book upon the table
And a hen won't 'lie' an egg

Punctuation is important
Of that there is no doubt
But my writing's mostly sloppy
And I often leave it out

Some of it's quite easy
For as far as I can tell
A semicolon's just a period
Whose brakes don't work too well

Now, I'm certainly not a scholar
I make errors every day
But this thing that we call spelling
Can blow my mind away

I speak the 'English' language
Cause I'm 'Aussie', don't you know?
And sometimes the 'Aussie' accent
Can confuse the English so.

I love my English heritage
I bleed blue when I'm cut
But the bloke who set their spelling
Must have been some kind of nut

Spelling was my favourite subject
In the days I went to school
But to think I understood it
I must have been a fool

We'd never have a problem
Spelling skills would know no bounds
If they'd only let us spell the word
The way the damn thing sounds

Others held the same opinion
And for a time they made a push
But to quote an Aussie saying:
It seems the thing's gone bush

They tried to simplify our spelling
And they tried with all their heart
But it's named 'Phonetic Spelling'
So they were beaten from the start

To place (pee, aitch) before a word
Is as stupid as can be
Each time I see a (pee, aitch) word
I glimpse insanity

They make us use a (pee, aitch)
When we spell a word like 'phone'
Why can't we use a plain old (eff)?
It bugs me to the bone

We never write of 'Phootball'
And we write of 'fly'; not 'phly'
If they ever drop those (pee, aitch) words
I'm sure we'll still get by

And we use the thing in 'photo'
And of course, 'Phrenology'
I think they have a 'phobia'
It's as 'phony' as can be

And the (pee, ess) words all haunt me
'Cause I don't think they belong
Each time I see a (pee, ess) word
I know they've spelt it wrong

There's 'psychosis', and there's 'psyche'
And 'psalms' makes only three
But there's heaps more of the buggers
I mean, how 'pseudo' can you be?

I think they made too many (pees)
And then without a care
To get rid of those left over
They just stuck them everywhere

How could they dream up spelling
For a word like 'physicist'?
I'm sure that fellow needed
A damn 'psychiatrist'

Lexicographers can be tricky
For as you've surely heard
They'll accept two different spellings
For the same damn simple word

I'd prefer that they were judges
And state which spelling gets the 'gong'
But they create a fine example
Of how two 'rights' can make a wrong

These words are spelt in different ways
I've picked out just a few
To show spelling that's contentious
English spelling is in blue

'Enrolment' in a college
And some 'skilful' 'dialogue'
Would not 'fulfil' my questions
For they'd fill a 'catalogue'

I had 'doughnuts' with my coffee
And I think most would be game
To claim had I been eating donuts
They'd probably taste the same

The differences are too many
For me to 'memorise'
And though I always spell in British
Sometimes I 'agonise'

Americans buy their gifts from jewelers
And they check the 'labelled' price
English buy their gifts from 'jewellers'
And I'm sure they're just as nice

No matter where you buy the gift
One thing is sure, by heck
If you don't have cash or credit cards
You'll have to write a 'cheque'

Americans chew on licorice
It's a most enticing snack
And though 'Aussies' prefer 'liquorice'
Their mouth gets just as black

Some insist on buying 'yoghurt'
They're as fussy as can be
Yet, I've seen the stuff called yogurt
And it looks the same to me

The English dictionary that I have
Spells 'colour' with a 'U'
But Americans don't use it
So what is one to do?

The ( 'Oh', 'You' ) is confusing
Of that there is no doubt
Yet, I 'savour' lots of ( 'Oh', 'You' ) words
And just can't leave them out

And there's 'favour', 'labour', 'neighbour'
And of course 'behaviour', too
Yet we understand each other
I think it's 'marvellous', don't you?

Allowing for our accents
We pronounce our words the same
But when it comes to spelling them
It's not my 'favourite' game

'Cause when we're spelling 'centre'
We end it with ( 'Are', 'Ee')
Yet Americans end it with (Ee', Are')
It sure confuses me

And there's 'litre', and there's 'theatre'
And though some will shake their head
I think Americans spell closer
To the way those words are said

Both 'patronise' and 'subsidise'
Should have a 'Zed" or 'Zee'
I can see my dear old teacher's face
And hear her cursing me

And before she has a fainting spell
Or tears flow from her eyes
If I've hurt her tender feelings
Let me 'apologise'

We should put our heads together
That's how I've often felt
And 'analyse' confusing words
To ascertain how they're spelt

The 'carburettor' must be working
If you want to drive your car
But if the 'tyres' are not inflated
You won't get very far

We use a 'plough' to turn the soil
While others use a plow
And there's 'aluminium', and 'sulphur'
But we do agree on 'cow'

And 'licence' is another
That we spell differently
And 'defence' is just one other
How many can there be?

I love the English language
I really think it's great
But the different way we spell our words
Is something that I hate

Friendship with all countries
Is a thought I 'idolise'
And I'm sure we'll all get closer
The more we 'fraternise'

I've met lots of decent people
From lands across the sea
They're now living in Australia
And we live in harmony

And I'd love to learn their language
But I don't know how I'd go
While I have confusion spelling
The only one I know

I ran an English classic
Through Microsoft Word Pro
And the difference in our spelling
You wouldn't want to know

The screen was filled with squiggles
It resembled aircraft flack
I feared my poor computer
Would have a heart attack

And whether 'flak' or 'flack' is right
My dictionary won't tell
It accepts the word spelt either way
Ain't that some kind of hell?

I 'honour' every teacher
For how they instructed me
But I'll never, ever enter
An American 'Spelling Bee'

I don't have much trouble spelling
I was 'brain-washed' not to think
So I spell the way they taught me
Like some mindless 'missing link'

I find both countries blameless
For we all should plainly see
That the fault rests on the shoulders
Of LEXICOGRAPHY!

APOLOGIES:
I'm sure Americans and English
Can take a friendly 'roast'
And if we can laugh together
That's the thing that matters most

And I admire the lexicologists
They do a wondrous job
Without their endless 'labour'
We'd be an ignorant mob

I hope my 'humour' hasn't bored you
And now my last word's said
I'll put on my 'pyjamas'
And then I'll go to bed

K.D. Abbott © 2007


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