THE CAMPING TRIP
| It was the time for annual holidays The wife was full of cheer It was a time for just relaxing It was her special time of year Such a peaceful, restful holiday In the spot that she loved most They would rent that pretty cottage Nestled quietly on the coast The husband little knew the shock And the anguish he'd deliver When he said they'd spend these holidays Camped by the Moochi river The wife flared with instant anger "I think you've gone insane You might believe that you are Tarzan But I know that I'm not Jane!" "If you think I'm going to camp there You've made a big mistake That place is full of spiders And every kind of snake!" "I'll take the children to the coast We'll have fun and lots of rest While you camp at Moochi river And face a mad survival test." The husband gently told her "You'll have to come with me, my dear I've spent our holiday allowance Buying real beaut camping gear." He got the 'silent treatment' Until the day arrived to pack And when they reached the Moochi river The wife's mood was very black She said the place looked like a jungle Her description was profound Then with a word that I won't mention She sat down on the ground She snarled with pure derision "It's the land that God forgot And until it's time to head back home I won't move from this spot." But the spot that she'd selected Was a long way from the best She soon found that she was sitting On an angry black ant's nest With the first bite on her bottom She gave a painful scream And forsaking thoughts of modesty She rubbed in sting-eze cream The ants swarmed beneath her clothing With each bite she screamed like mad She ran behind a tree And shed all the clothes she had Then the ultimate embarrassment She had never been this stressed Her young daughters were both giggling They'd never seen Mum so undressed And then mum screamed with terror Her discomfort was complete She had spied a frilled neck lizard Sitting quietly at her feet Her husband tried to tell her There was no cause for alarm Frilled neck lizards are not dangerous It wouldn't do her any harm But then the children started crying Because they claimed this thing they saw Was not a harmless lizard It was a baby dinosaur "Get the children and start running!" Came the warning from the wife. "There's a hairy pig thing coming We're about to lose our life!" "That hairy pig thing is a wombat." The husband quickly said. "And a wombat wont attack you They'll try to get away instead." "A wombat is quite harmless So you had no need to flee And I suggest you finish dressing When you climb down from that tree." The wife screamed threats of murder He heard her threats each place he went Until he found what he was looking for A place to rig their tent He had never pitched a tent before And this tent had scarce support He didn't bother fixing guy ropes Because he thought they were too short He thought he now should clear the area For the children's safety sake But one stick he tried to pick up Was a very startled snake The snake had just been dozing But now it turned to strike The husband took off with such speed You'd think he rode a motorbike Though his legs were weak and trembling He didn't tell them of his fright Just one mention of the 'snake' word And they'd stay awake all night To soothe his wife's bad temper He'd now fill her heart's desire With a nice romantic dinner Beside a picturesque camp fire He'd win her admiration He'd play the huntsman role And with dreams of catching lots of trout He grasped his fishing pole He wandered up the river Until he found a likely spot There'd be unsuspecting fish there And he meant to catch the lot He was lacking in experience And some would think it odd He didn't think to buy a reel When he'd bought his fishing rod He would have to use a hand line He would not admit defeat But soon he found most of the fishing line Was tangled 'round his feet He had unwound all the fishing line He'd not even needed half The line now held him prisoner He was leg-roped like a calf He could not maintain his balance He cursed his fishing gear as trash As he fell head first in the river With a great resounding splash He panicked in the water With his legs so tightly bound There were many anxious moments When he feared that he'd be drowned He finally freed himself of fishing line With a trusty pocket knife He couldn't wait to tell his family How he'd nearly lost his life When his wife saw he was soaked She commenced to make a fuss "Next time that you go swimming You might think to invite us!" The wife was staring daggers This was not going to plan There'd be no romantic dinner His wife ate sardines from a can The husband hid behind a wattle tree To make a rapid change But in the midst of his disrobing He heard a noise that sounded strange The buzzing noise he heard Was a swarm of angry bees And it's impossible to reach top gear With your trousers 'round your knees Those bees were so damned angry They made his nerve ends shiver With those angry bees right on his tail He dived back in the river He cracked his head hard on the bottom His forehead now was oozing blood And the banks where he had dived in Were covered in thick mud He was an eerie sight to gaze on Caked in mud from head to toe And his head was throbbing madly It had copped a stunning blow Between the bees and that damn river He felt he'd almost lost his life He badly craved some sympathy From his children and his wife The children spied this muddy creature And it filled their hearts with fear His wife responded icily "Don't scare the children, dear!" "They'll both be having nightmares Their fear was quite intense Why smear yourself with mud like that? You should really have more sense!" "I see you've scratched your forehead You'll get no sympathy from me I tried to warn you about camping And the disaster it would be." "That's enough!" The husband muttered "You've filled the day with discontent We'll all feel better once we've rested So let's all get in the tent." "We'll leave the door flap open So you can glimpse the moon and stars We'll be as one with mother nature You'll hear no screeching sound of cars." Then the children started sobbing And it took dad quite a while To convince them that an old burnt log Was not a crocodile The family then became inflicted With a torment very real The mosquitos had decided That they'd found their evening meal The heavens then broke open And the wife's eyes opened wide As creepy crawlies in the area Found the tent and came inside The husband tried to keep them out But his efforts were in vain Those crawlies were determined To get shelter from the rain There were spiders, bugs and scorpions The variety was vast It seemed they had some kind of radar The way they found that tent so fast The husband was suspicious When his wife gave him a whack She claimed she'd squashed a caterpillar Crawling on his back He told her quite indignantly She should have just gave it a flick And she had no right to hit him With that lengthy piece of stick Soon heated words were flying They were making such a din That the children started crying They simply thought they should join in There was this great big stinging bull ant And its aim was quite intent Every time the wife changed places That's the place that bull ant went Then the most curdling scream of agony That the human voice can bring That bull ant had latched onto her And she felt its painful sting As she rubbed the wound with lotion With horror she could see That a monstrous hairy spider Now sat happily on her knee With a hand as quick as lightning She flicked that spider into space But her husband threw a tantrum When it landed on his face The children now were terrified And their screaming left no doubt They hated mother nature And they hated camping out The wife told her husband coldly "I hope you feel remorse Because as soon as we get home I'm going to sue you for divorce!" The tent badly missed its guy ropes It could not be held in check With the weight of rain it gave up And collapsed around their neck The scene that quickly followed Was both serious and bizarre A saturated family Dashing madly to their car A few days later things were different Far from Moochi river's reach Wife and children frolicked happily Upon their favourite beach The husband was forgiven And again peace reigned supreme Divorce was never mentioned They were again a happy team But as he watched his family frolic He occasionally gave a groan As he thought about the payments He'd have to make on that bank loan He had to get a bank loan Because his money had been spent Buying lots of useless camping gear And that damn stupid tent He cursed that camping trip disaster It had not one saving grace And he tenderly touched the dressing Where he'd been bitten on the face That hairy spider wasn't poisonous But it had taken a good bite And the swelling 'neath that dressing Was such an ugly sight Someday he'd think about that camping trip And he'd laugh at it somehow But with the bank loan and his spider bite He wasn't laughing now The serenity of the country It seemed had passed him by His wife had spent the whole time screaming And all his children did was cry Their camping trip at Moochi river Had lasted just one day All their camping gear was still there And that's where it could stay He'd tell his friends he learned a lesson It was a lesson he would preach When you know nothing about camping You're much safer at the beach The wife always was determined She'd have a nice beach holiday And sometimes it seems like witchcraft How they usually get their way He conceded that his camping trip Brought nothing but despair But his wife had behaved badly He thought she hadn't acted fair From the moment they arrived Her complaining didn't stop She had firmly made her mind up The camping trip would be a flop But sometimes fate takes over With revenge that justice begs His wife screamed out in agony When blue bottles stung her legs She'd said the beach held little terror And though he knew it was a sin When he heard her screaming painfully He couldn't help but grin K.D. Abbott © 2009 |
| NOTE: You are invited to make copies of any poem on this site for your personal and private use providing the details of copyright are included. The poems are not to be used for commercial purposes or displayed on any website. |
Back to Top of Page Menu
All poems and short stories on this site are protected and
Copyrighted to K. D Abbott 2009. © All rights reserved.
