THEY CALL ME 'HAPPY'
| Some People call me 'Happy' And I'm sure I don't know why Because when I think about my life I want to sit and cry My wife's friends treat me with contempt But they should plainly see That all the troubles of this world Come crashing down on me Some days are full of problems They swamp me like a curse But all my days are not like that Most other days are worse Trouble has attacked me Since the day that I was born And despite my charming nature Lady luck treats me with scorn I remember in my childhood I was neglected even then I'm sure my face has worn a smile But I can't remember when I play games with my children But they don't like being beat Each time I play them poker They always claim I cheat They hate to pay their losses But someday they'll give me thanks Although they scream their heads off When I take their Piggy Banks My wife says poker's bad for them And perhaps she could be right So today I'll buy a roulette wheel And we'll play that tonight I protect my wife from boredom I like to have a happy spouse So last year for her Christmas gift I let her paint the house I woke up tired and weary And looked out my window pane I was looking for some sunshine But my hopes were all in vain Dark clouds filled the heavens And as far as I could see The darkest cloud in that damn sky Was hovering over me I looked forward to some breakfast To build my inner power But I couldn't eat my cereal The damn milk had turned sour Still, I dragged my weary body And dressed with suit and tie For all the thanks I get at work I sometimes wonder why I closed the door and locked it Then fell head first down the stairs My wife should really fix them They badly need repairs I gazed at my neglected lawn Its appearance made me sigh I hope my wife will mow it soon That damn grass is too high The driveway needs some patching And the fence needs mending too She gets home from work at six each night What does that woman do? I peeked into my mail box And again my spirits sunk The only mail I ever get Is advertising junk One advertised insurance And it filled my heart with dread By the statistics that they quoted I clearly should be dead The other was a funeral home With a special cut-price fee If I joined up for their funeral plan They'd gladly bury me I should push these thoughts behind me And yet I always find These fears go deep within me They play havoc with my mind I climbed into my ancient car And said a silent prayer That beneath that rusted, battered, hood A motor still lived there It resented being started It coughed and groaned with pain And I doubted it would make it All the way to town again But then the old thing roared with power And just my bloomin' luck As I placed the gear-shift in reverse The accelerator stuck With a screech of burning rubber It raced out of our drive If it wasn't for that other car I wouldn't be alive That driver was so angry And I still don't know what for He didn't have a single scratch It just smashed in his door His face distorted with pure anger I've never seen a face so cross And then I recognised him It was the face of my damn boss He threatened that he'd kill me My safety was in doubt So I sped off like a bullet Before the bugger could get out Then I reached the crowded highway But how unlucky can you be? A very ancient woman Blocked the lane in front of me I honked my horn to warn her She was travelling much too slow She saluted with her finger And told me where to go Just then my car rolled to a halt It coughed and wheezed and sighed I knew its life had ended The poor old thing had died The dark clouds then broke open And the rain came pouring down I was seven miles from my house And fourteen miles from town As I trudged along the highway I was as sad as you can get Then my rheumatism grabbed me For my clothes were soaking wet I was trudging wet and weary I was really very tired Then my boss pulled up beside me He yelled "You're finished, you've been fired!" I dwelt deep in contemplation And it seems each day I live I'm just some kind of test pad For the problems life can give There's a monstrous dog at our house It was brought there by my wife She bought that dog to kill me She means to take my life She trains it every evening And it makes my nerve ends chill She shows that dog my picture Then orders it to "KILL!" My parents never visit I know they both hate me Each year when it's my birthday They send my wife their sympathy I know that it upsets them They might even shed a tear They seem so disappointed I've survived another year And when I leave this mortal life There's one thing that I know Saint Peter will be laughing When he tells me "Down below!" K.D. Abbott © 2008 |
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