St. Paul's Anglican Church erected 1868
WEDDING MAYHEM
For my friend, Leonie, in England.
| There's a small Church in the mountains Where peace and love are taught But in this tranquil setting A female war was fought The church stands in a rural township Where the men will often fight But they fight just for recreation They are really quite polite To earn a living from this mountain land Can sometimes prove quite rough So those who choose to live here Soon grow strong and tough All the women in this township Are blessed with country charms But because they work like men They have very muscled arms So in this rural township It is really nothing new To see these country women Throw a punch or two They fight just for entertainment That's quickly plain to judge They often giggle while they're fighting And never hold a grudge And though the children are well mannered They'll fight like a dog and cat And they don't wait for a reason They have no time for that They mostly fight without a temper They are a very playful lot But little Peggy Kelly Had a temper blazing hot The children's fights are really games Though sometimes blood will spill But when Peggy lost her temper She would fight as if to kill Although the children all loved Peggy To see her fight would catch your breath So the children never challenged her They feared a painful death Peggy was a nice girl But blessed with Irish blood When something got her angry Her temper swamped her like a flood She had a friendly disposition So it really was so sad That her fiery Irish temper Often made her go quite mad Peggy was a pretty girl With a nature usually calm She loved all birds and animals She would never cause them harm She had a testing sense of humour And often played weird tricks But her jokes were soon forgiven Because she was only six Peggy had a great aversion To the sight of someone's tongue Children sometimes feel revulsion To different things when they are young She had a little mate named Bobby He was seven years of age And when Bobby poked his tongue out It caused Peggy instant rage You should not torment a lady As everybody knows So when Bobby poked his tongue out They always came to blows The first time Bobby did it He got an awful fright He wound up with a black eye This little girl could fight Peggy was a tom-boy She wasn't shy or meek Bobby often tried to beat her He got a black eye every week She could ride a horse or milk a cow And climb a tall tree, too She was a wizard with a fly rod There wasn't much she couldn't do She was often quite outspoken That was a fault they meant to fix But, you can get away with most things When you're cute and only six Peggy's mother deeply dreaded The approaching month of May A friend selected both the children For duties on her wedding day The mother had some sleepless nights Her mind was in a whirl Bobby would be page boy And Peggy the flower girl Peggy's temper was explosive And both mothers full of doubt Made little Bobby promise He would not poke his tongue out Both the mothers agonised With feelings of dismay And they tried to brace each other For their young friend's wedding day Peggy looked so pretty Bobby looked quite handsome, too They looked forward with excitement To hear the young bride say: "I do". Their behaviour was so perfect Until they started down the aisle Then Bobby poked his tongue out And gave a sneering smile Peggy fought to hold her rage With all the strength that she could borrow She'd let the bugger off today But she'd black his eye tomorrow Her body became rigid With the anger that she felt Her face so hot with temper She feared that it would melt Though she tried to hold her temper Her effort was in vain Because when Bobby sniggered at her He poked his tongue out once again To stay calm was not an option It was beyond her mental powers Her hands were shaking badly And she dropped the bridal flowers That's the moment she exploded She had rage she couldn't smother She would blacken Bobby's eyes And send him screaming to his mother To all the folk that witnessed Peggy throw that murderous right They claimed it had the knockout power To win a title fight Bobby staggered drunkenly Peggy meant to give him more Bobby's legs collapsed beneath him And he landed on the floor Then their mothers started fighting It became a screaming match And soon it turned to violence They began to hit and scratch The bride hurried down the aisle She was such a tearful sight She got between the brawling mothers And tried to stop the fight You shouldn't go near fighting women Or you'll end up in a mess Soon, the bride was bruised and battered And they ripped her wedding dress When the bridesmaids started fighting The maid of honour's mood turned black She had hardly voiced a comment When she landed on her back Then the bride and groom's mothers Expressed their point of view They started swinging punches They soon were black and blue The groom became involved He voiced words so strong and grim Peggy wouldn't stand a bar of it She kicked him in the shin Peggy had on pointed fairy shoes The points stuck in real deep The groom bellowed out in anguish The pain almost made him weep A large lump grew upon his shin The size of a hen's egg He couldn't put his foot down He hopped around on just one leg As he fought to keep his balance He touched a lady on the rear The bride to be was jealous She quickly punched him in the ear The bride's mother was pure Irish And her temper quickly rose She caught up with the groom And punched him flush upon the nose There is nothing like a fight To make a peaceful throng divide The friends of both the mothers Soon chose to take a side With women wrestling, scratching, kicking And using foul words that besmirch The husbands in their wisdom Chose to wait outside the church Although the men had fled to safety Their fighting spirit hadn't gone They stood on boxes near the windows To cheer the women on 'Old Bill' ventured to the doorway To see the fight was his desire He dropped his lit pipe in his pocket It caught his coat on fire 'Old Bill' was very ancient And usually used a cane But as the smoke shot from his pocket He damn near went insane On legs that were unsteady And with a stomach rather big His athletic leaping actions Looked like a hectic Irish jig Mrs. Haynes was a short lady So she'd stamp on women's toes Then as they stooped to stop her That's when she'd land her blows Mrs. Lawson enjoyed fighting She thought punching heads was fun She briefly left the church So she could give her husband one Mrs. Murphy took a beating She was slim and rather old So she promptly took her shoe off And knocked Mrs. Baxter cold Mrs. Doyle was much too tall For Bronwyn Davies to attack So Bronwyn stood upon a pew And jumped upon her back While Mrs Doyle was cursing That this attack was quite unfair Bronwyn rode her like a cowboy She slapped her ears and pulled her hair But little Peggy Kelly Was the star beyond a doubt She used a lady's walking stick To lay some women out All the women's clothes were tattered Their styled hair now on their face There were broken pews and statues The church looked a damn disgrace The priest was quite disgusted But he played a calming role He turned a hose upon the women And finally gained control With women soaked and so dishevelled The priest sadly shook his head He saw women bruised and battered And some even freely bled He denounced them from the pulpit With words he thought were grand But Peggy didn't like them She sunk her teeth into his hand She had to find release From all the anger that she felt She threw a hard right at the priest It landed way 'below the belt' The priest didn't take it quietly He began to loudly yell But Peggy hadn't finished She meant to give him hell Peggy didn't seem to notice That the priest was in great pain She threw a rapid left and right And hit the same spot once again "You really make me giggle With that sash around your neck I'd like to twist the thing around your throat And strangle you, by heck" "I sincerely hope for your sake That you know how to swim Because I'm going to try to drown you" Then she turned the hose on him The wedding guests were giggling They forgot about their fight As the poor priest gulped and spluttered He was such a humorous sight With all the women laughing They were once again good friends Of course, the wedding had been cancelled But that's not where the story ends A wedding day of mayhem Was the phrase the families coined And in a peaceful park the following week The bride and groom were joined The priest was not available He refused to even talk And from the way he clutched his groin It seemed he couldn't even walk They had a marriage celebrant Perform the wedding vows And the couple were united Midst trees and gardened flowers The park was such a perfect setting Beneath a blue and cloudless sky The groom's nose was wrapped in plaster And the bride had a black eye Everyone wore street clothes It was a casual dress affair The wedding gowns had been discarded They were ripped beyond repair The women all had injuries They were battered one and all They resembled the survivors Of a torrid football brawl They had band-aids and bandages Thick lips and blackened eyes And lots of ugly bruises That cosmetics can't disguise But Peggy and young Bobby Were at their very best Because their mothers took some action To put their fears to rest Peggy wore some real dark glasses And she couldn't see too well So if Bobby poked his tongue out There was no way she could tell Bobby's chin was wrapped in duct tape East, North and West and South With his chin taped up securely His tongue could not poke from his mouth When the wedding was completed Peggy faced the bride and groom As she took off her dark glasses The guests felt impending doom "I think the time is fitting For me to make a speech Before the bride and groom desert us I have some words for each" As Peggy spoke these words She saw the wedding party stir They all became so nervous But it didn't bother her "The groom is very handsome He's as handsome as can be But he is very inconsiderate He should have married me" "He is strong, yet kind and gentle The kind of man that's hard to find But to know the girl I lost him to Helps to ease my mind" "He doesn't usually have a limp." Peggy said with impish grin. "But he had a sort of accident He has a real bruised shin" "I love this woman he has married My admiration I wont hide If he searched this whole world over He couldn't find a better bride" "She is beautiful beyond compare A caring, sweet adult If God ever made perfection She surely must be the result" "I wish them heaps of happiness Through all the coming years And I know the strength of love they have Will banish any fears" "And as you travel down life's highway This world is going to find That your marriage is a model For all of humankind" Peggy then addressed the smiling guests She had pacified their fears And her mum through black and swollen eyes Shed some little tears. "I know when I started speaking You must have felt some doubt But you had no cause for worry My mummy helped me write it out" "I ruined your church wedding And your forgiveness now I seek I hope my speech was to your liking I've been practising it all week" The wedded couple were delighted The speech thrilled them through and through The wedding guests all cheered her loudly And even Bobby clapped her, too Next day Peggy called on Bobby To play their favourite game The wedding hadn't hurt their friendship Their close feelings were the same They played together happily Until time to say goodbye That's when Bobby poked his tongue out Peggy punched him in the eye Bobby's knees began to buckle He wobbled like a circus clown Peggy landed one upon his chin And that's when he went down If there's a message in this story Then, the moral seems to me That Irish girls are blessed with beauty But as fiery as can be So if you court an Irish beauty You should strive to stay on track If you dare to tempt their temper You'll spend those days flat on your back. K.D. Abbott © 2010 |
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